UNDERNEATH THE MASK

"But if you were God, will you truly keep forgiving yourself?" He said

I knew who it was. The Accuser! But I also knew he was saying the truth this time. How can I be this way? What else exactly do I want from God? 
He doesn't deserve this hurt so how can I keep hurting Him this way and try to pacify Him with mere tears?
No! Not again! Not after I've promised Him countless times.
It's my fault now and I don't deserve to be called His daughter

This is my undoing and I'll just have to leave Him out of this
_______________________________________________
I'm Sandra, a lover of God, an Anglican chapel committee member and a dedicated member of Scripture Union fellowship. 
I'm a tongue-talking believer who got baptized in the Holy Ghost at a tender age of 11 and since then, have been on fire for the Lord

I'm currently in SS2 but in two months time, will be a senior secondary finalist. Gloryyyyyyyy!!!

Few weeks ago, I was appointed the president of the Scripture Union fellowship. Yes! Everyone was happy. It seemed to be a well-deserved position because since my first year in secondary school I've been on fire for the Lord. I had organized discipleship meetings even for my classmates and I'd earned some level of recognition even amongst my teachers.
________________________________________________
"Sis Mmeso, how are you doing?"I asked

"Ah mama, I'm doing great. I'd even wanted to come meet you after dinner. Ma, I don't know what's happening to my prayer life. I seem to be unstable. Please pray for me" she said

"Of course, I will do that. I also need you to pray for me. I'll need all the tons of prayers I can get for...."I confessed

"No mama! You can't be needing prayers. If you, a whole mama need prayers, it means I need deliverance..." She snapped

That's exactly the problem! That's my problem! No one believes I need help. No one believes I should have a problem. Maybe something about my visage or carriage masked my infirmity and gave them a notion that I was always on the high in the spirit.
Oh wretched soul of mine!
________________________________________________
It has happened again! My undoing! Who do I tell that the Scripture Union president is struggling with a secret sin?
Who would even believe me?
Sis Mmeso, Sis Mmasi and Sis Peace had called me last week to plead with me to stop forming humility by telling them I need prayers often. If my closest sisters couldn't even hear me out or even believe that I have need for prayers, then who would?

As I buried my head in my palms, crying for mercy for maybe about the one-hundredth times in the last few months, I heard him

"If you were God, will you forgive yourself?" He said

I knew he was saying the truth. I won't keep hurting God by shedding crocodile tears. This is my fate! I can't help it! I AM A HYPOCRITE!
A disgrace to the Body of Christ! A shame to the Scripture Union family! Unfit to bear the yoke of the Lord!

_______________________________________________
I stood up with tears in my eyes and I knew I only wanted one thing - TO STOP HURTING GOD

"God I'm sorry I can't do this any longer. I love you but it's obvious I keep hurting You so I'm leaving so I don't keep doing this to You. Please find a place in your heart for forgive the me behind the mask..."

With my Bible torn into pieces, I headed out for an entirely new life... The life I was doomed to live because of my addiction... The only life I could see ahead... This is the real me! This is who I am UNDERNEATH THE MASK!

_______________________________________________
(...to be continued)

Comments

Kosi said…
Hmmmm😔
November 8, 2024 at 1:06 AM
Anonymous said…
Please next
November 8, 2024 at 1:28 AM
Nsoha Uloma Newells said…
Hmm... I can't wait for the continuation.
November 8, 2024 at 1:05 PM
Anonymous said…
An Interesting read!
November 8, 2024 at 1:21 PM
Anonymous said…
I feel like I'm at this point now. Everyone thinks I'm burning family, friends and fellowship... I just feel like I'm not being honest with God when I say I love him. Most times I ask myself if following Jesus and a pure love for Him was why I came to Him in the first place or some personal interest. Oh what a wretched man I am, who can deliver me from this body of death? 💔💔
November 8, 2024 at 3:06 PM
Nike Sandra said…
It so easy to get to this point. It's so easy for people to think you're always on the highs always. But then, I believe that one cure to this is having a healthy inner community.

There should be one or two persons who don't see you as "mama". They're not there to hype you
November 9, 2024 at 9:48 AM
Nike Sandra said…
People with whom you can be naked and not ashamed. You know your proclivities yet they're holding you up.

This! Is one thing I see lacking in the Body. And because sin thrives in darkness, whenever we keep sin to ourselves it keeps growing
November 9, 2024 at 9:50 AM
Ogbonna gracious said…
That's right ma, whenever sin is kept it keeps growing 😭
November 9, 2024 at 3:27 PM
Nmachi Ozor said…
God help us
November 10, 2024 at 5:05 AM
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